Evolution Convolution, Expression Regression

thingsthatbite

I find evolving as a person to be difficult at times, to say the least.  Sometimes I want to hang onto childish jealousies and spiteful thoughts, just because those things were conditioned into me for so much of my young life.

That’s the reaction.  The immediate.  Somebody does something and you feel your lizard brain REACT.  You’re mad.  You’re hurt.  You’re afraid.  You feel disrespected.  The immediate reaction is what flashes through you.  It’s your inner seven year old.  And for years I didn’t know any other way to handle things, other than simply reacting. And the hurt often came with lots of comforts at some point, which were nice.  This people is what we call the forging of an unhealthy cycle.

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I thought it was being authentic and my version of boundaries.  But some time in my late twenties, I started to realize that it was actually harmful to be addicted to hurt.  I still have ghosts of that behavior from time to time and I have to consciously ghostbust.

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In order to love better and be better and evolve, we can’t just be junkies for that fire that makes us feel a rise in our emotions.  And yes, like adrenaline or booze or cigarettes, that rush of emotion can be addictive.  Particularly if the feeling is towards somebody you are very bonded to, emotionally.

The things that bite me sometimes surprise me.  I think to myself:  Oh gosh, I’m SO OVER being jealous.  I’m confident.  I’m a Goddess.  I’m soooooo gosh darn evolved.  I’m smart.  I’m clever.  I’ve learned that I matter and give myself permission to be wrong or make mistakes.  Things bounce off of my shield of self esteem like so many bullets off of Wonder Woman’s bracelets.  That can’t hurt me, I’m too secure.  I’m too certain.  I know the way it is.

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Oh, yeah – those are the kinds of thoughts that happen right before Mistress Life wants to make sure you have a lot more to learn, little girl.

It’s not easy to strike a balance between what you need for your heart needs and what somebody else needs.

Relationships are always about compromise. Every relationship is about compromise.

I don’t do some things I might like to do because I’m in a relationship.  I don’t even go places in my brain or my imagination sometimes because I am in a relationship.  I don’t typically express that somewhere.   But I’m doing it now.  Because I need you to know 1) You’re not alone in making sacrifices to be in a relationship.  2) Sacrifices aren’t bad things.  They can actually help you grow as a person.  And 3) You only make sacrifices if you really want to.  And if you choose to, it’s very unfair to express that it’s somehow the other person’s fault or because of them you can’t be who you are.  If you can’t be who you are you are then you are in the wrong relationship.

You should be with people who make you want to be a better person.  Not people you are addicted to.

You should be with somebody who you feel secure with and trust.  Not somebody who puts questions in your mind every day as to their devotion to you.

Somebody who truly loves you can say, “I need this if we are to be together” and you can choose.  You have a choice.  You can tell them what you need and they can say, “I can’t do that–” and then you have to move on some how.  You jut have to.  Your heart may not ever be the same, but you will survive.

I know I’ve stated some of these things rather simply, but they can take years to manifest.  And sometimes you think you can live with something and years later you realize you can’t.  And that’s hard on everybody.  But ask yourself some questions before you try and leave a relationship, make sure you aren’t doing it for the same reasons over and over.  Because usually – that’s about *you* and not about *them* – so you’re doomed to repeat it.  But that is also hopeful because it means you can look inward and work on yourself, if you want to.

Also, somebody wise once told me that your relationship isn’t just about you, it’s about the whole network of threads that attach you to the other person and all of the things that they are attached to as well.  You have to think about all of the things you’ll be losing.  But if you are gaining more than you’re losing, then I think the answer is obvious, but not necessarily easy.

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